So Confused!

Ok, so weeks ago his attitude and the way he would be calm one minute and crazy the next made me realize that he was just plain crazy and I needed to get away. However, these last few weeks it seems as though he may have changed. He has been really calm so far. Not get mad much and not so jealous, however, will it last? I on the other hand have been snappy and short tempered towards him. But he has calmed down so much that I somehow reluctantly agreed that if he can get my older daughter in a preforming art school I would go back on the 14th. But know he is saying it would have to be on the 2nd which is a holiday and for last minute tickets is 3x more! I don't know about this. My oldest wants to stay here but my younger one wants her dad. I would like to give him another chance but here at home and what if he goes back to the way he was? Then it was all a waste. I feel so sad, confused, and anger. I see all these happy families and loving dads and it makes me cry. I have two beautiful girls that I love but with two failed relationships. And no money, car, home or anything. If he did change then is it wrong to go back just because he can provide me all of that plus maybe a happy home? Can I learn to love him again? Or should I stay and be a single mother - again? I know I can do it but as I much as I don't want to is it really worth the risk of going back? I wish someone could give me an insight. I feel so lost and confused.
If I ever needed a sign this would be the time.

WTF, Seriously?!

All in one day I get "you been cheating on me", "are you sure she is my baby", I'm sorry for everything", "I can't live with out you" blah blah blah" and "I love you". Oh and "My friend has a gun you own with your prints". Problem is I don't and never owned a gun so WTF? This shit just pissed me off. Then he calls and want to talk because he "want to here your voice". At this point I am just F*** Off! I can't take it anymore. Obviously he has not change. I told him if he wants to try to make it work he has to move here but is it really worth it? I know if this is how it's going to remain then hell no. So the question is will you quit your shit and calm down to live like normal people or is it going back to arguments because I am so sick of it I will end up wanting to through him out it this is what I am going to live with. I am so done and he has made me paranoid that I rather just be free of him. I had it. I rather put it on the back burner and forget about it. It's to much stress, taking to much effort to deal with. I am done :-/

So Confused!

This week I did something very scary and daring. One of the most scary things ever. Despite all the threats he has given me and his Strong anger. I went unexpectedly back home, for one day. I had important documents, un-replaceable pictures, and a few personal items I needed and wanted back. I did not tell him I was coming and I went alone, even though he told me if I go I better have the little one with me. So on Wednesday I leave early AM. Two planes later I am in his town by early evening. I call him and he was pissed off. He was several states away and unless I promise to come back to him I can not get in the house. So I don't know what to do. I try calling the landlord several times to let me in but no answer. Then I get a call back from my ex, he had calmed down and said he will be here my Thursday afternoon. So through out the night and in the morning we talked on the phone. When he came in I meet him at the house with lunch. We talked, cried, had makeup/breakup sex (I don't even know what to call it, but it was good) and then talked and cried some more. Eventually I was able to pack 2 bags and a carryon with as much stuff as possible. He even drove me to drop off my rental, check me in at the airport and then we stopped to have a couple of drinks before I departed. But as I get on the plane and am coming home I leave him so much more confused then ever. I went there knowing what I wanted but now I don't know what in the hell to do! He seems to be more in control of his anger. And he cried real genuine tears as I am packing our family things and as I tell him goodbye. He begs for a second chance of which I feel maybe I should. But my ultimate worry is that if I go back things/he will eventually go back to the way it was before but this time I won't be able to get out at all. So my answer to him, If he wants a second chance then not only will he have to change for the better and for good but I must be living with in driving distance of my family. He will have to move closer. Right now that's all I can offer. However, I am still scared and more lost then ever!

Here we go again!

He calls me this morning at 8 AM. Can I ever sleep in? And again he accuses me of seeing someone else. This time it is someone who is coming from another state all the way to see me! So he tells me he is going to have this guy shot and if I am not seeing or expecting anyone then I shouldn't worry about it. Ok. But then he tells me if he ever wants to put me behind bars it would be easy because he has put my finger prints on a gun so he can frame me at any time. The best part, if he sees me holding hands or kissing another guy he will have us both shot. I swear he is legitamitly psycho! And then he wonders why I don't want to go home to him. He is beyond dramatic! And every time I talk to him it is depressing. Just when I consider on making it work he brings some bull shit to the table and it just makes me want to be further from him. I just want this over with already. 

Absolutely Frustrating!

This is ridiculous! Yesterday he says ok if you don't want me then tell me you are letting me go. I said ok you are free. We text and talked a couple times. He was calm and stated if I need anything to let him know. He also said if I am going to do custody or child support to discuss it with him and we can come to an agreement - whoa, that is unexpected but cool. It will make things a lot easier. Then today when I talked to him I told him I have things to do. But when I don't answer his calls or text right away he gets mad! As if I have all the time in the world to just bullshit with him. I have two kids to take care of and things to get done, damn it. The problem is once he is on the phone I can't get him off. I will tell him 5+ times that I have to go for what ever reason and he will be like "ok . . but" and then start a new conversation. What he promises will be a 5 minute conversation ends up a 2 hour discussion. Ugh, So Freakn' Frustrating!! Just when he calms down I think "ok maybe I over reacted, maybe I should go and try to work it out" but then when he gets like this and pissed off telling me he is going to call child services and the authorities on me then I remember why I don't want to go back to him. After fighting most of the day then you going to tell me you love me, lets get married. Are you out of your mind?! I don't need this drama. I rather stay with my family where me and my children can grow in a positive atmosphere.

A little too late

If anyone is out there reading my post then you know some what of what I have been through. You have heard me rant and rave about how verbally abusive my ex can be and how he can be mean one day and apologetic the next. And the routine keeps going. Yesterday morning I found my phone (that he pays for) no longer works. He calls me on my mom's phone to tell me that it is just one of his sorry's that is about to happen and how he is mad. Then in the evening he calls again but this time crying. Says he has talked to his "other" mom, an older woman who has become a mother figure in his life. She apparently made him realize what he has done and what he has said to us through out our relationship was not good. So now he is apologizing profusely and crying. He finally apologizes for every hurting the girls or my feelings. He is magically willing to go through counseling if I will only go back and start over. Unfortunately for him it is a little too late. I know longer want to go back and try AGAIN to make it work. I tried it for a year. A year he had a chance to see his ways and fix them. It took for me and the girls to leave and not go home for him to see what he has done to us. And now he wants us back just like that. I'm sorry but I can not. I do not want to try again just to get frustrated and cry again. I have no more tears for this relationship. I just want it to be over. I wants us to be civil and peaceful. And I do want him to have a relationship with his daughter with out us being a couple. I just want to move on.