So Confused!

Ok, so weeks ago his attitude and the way he would be calm one minute and crazy the next made me realize that he was just plain crazy and I needed to get away. However, these last few weeks it seems as though he may have changed. He has been really calm so far. Not get mad much and not so jealous, however, will it last? I on the other hand have been snappy and short tempered towards him. But he has calmed down so much that I somehow reluctantly agreed that if he can get my older daughter in a preforming art school I would go back on the 14th. But know he is saying it would have to be on the 2nd which is a holiday and for last minute tickets is 3x more! I don't know about this. My oldest wants to stay here but my younger one wants her dad. I would like to give him another chance but here at home and what if he goes back to the way he was? Then it was all a waste. I feel so sad, confused, and anger. I see all these happy families and loving dads and it makes me cry. I have two beautiful girls that I love but with two failed relationships. And no money, car, home or anything. If he did change then is it wrong to go back just because he can provide me all of that plus maybe a happy home? Can I learn to love him again? Or should I stay and be a single mother - again? I know I can do it but as I much as I don't want to is it really worth the risk of going back? I wish someone could give me an insight. I feel so lost and confused.
If I ever needed a sign this would be the time.

WTF, Seriously?!

All in one day I get "you been cheating on me", "are you sure she is my baby", I'm sorry for everything", "I can't live with out you" blah blah blah" and "I love you". Oh and "My friend has a gun you own with your prints". Problem is I don't and never owned a gun so WTF? This shit just pissed me off. Then he calls and want to talk because he "want to here your voice". At this point I am just F*** Off! I can't take it anymore. Obviously he has not change. I told him if he wants to try to make it work he has to move here but is it really worth it? I know if this is how it's going to remain then hell no. So the question is will you quit your shit and calm down to live like normal people or is it going back to arguments because I am so sick of it I will end up wanting to through him out it this is what I am going to live with. I am so done and he has made me paranoid that I rather just be free of him. I had it. I rather put it on the back burner and forget about it. It's to much stress, taking to much effort to deal with. I am done :-/

So Confused!

This week I did something very scary and daring. One of the most scary things ever. Despite all the threats he has given me and his Strong anger. I went unexpectedly back home, for one day. I had important documents, un-replaceable pictures, and a few personal items I needed and wanted back. I did not tell him I was coming and I went alone, even though he told me if I go I better have the little one with me. So on Wednesday I leave early AM. Two planes later I am in his town by early evening. I call him and he was pissed off. He was several states away and unless I promise to come back to him I can not get in the house. So I don't know what to do. I try calling the landlord several times to let me in but no answer. Then I get a call back from my ex, he had calmed down and said he will be here my Thursday afternoon. So through out the night and in the morning we talked on the phone. When he came in I meet him at the house with lunch. We talked, cried, had makeup/breakup sex (I don't even know what to call it, but it was good) and then talked and cried some more. Eventually I was able to pack 2 bags and a carryon with as much stuff as possible. He even drove me to drop off my rental, check me in at the airport and then we stopped to have a couple of drinks before I departed. But as I get on the plane and am coming home I leave him so much more confused then ever. I went there knowing what I wanted but now I don't know what in the hell to do! He seems to be more in control of his anger. And he cried real genuine tears as I am packing our family things and as I tell him goodbye. He begs for a second chance of which I feel maybe I should. But my ultimate worry is that if I go back things/he will eventually go back to the way it was before but this time I won't be able to get out at all. So my answer to him, If he wants a second chance then not only will he have to change for the better and for good but I must be living with in driving distance of my family. He will have to move closer. Right now that's all I can offer. However, I am still scared and more lost then ever!

Here we go again!

He calls me this morning at 8 AM. Can I ever sleep in? And again he accuses me of seeing someone else. This time it is someone who is coming from another state all the way to see me! So he tells me he is going to have this guy shot and if I am not seeing or expecting anyone then I shouldn't worry about it. Ok. But then he tells me if he ever wants to put me behind bars it would be easy because he has put my finger prints on a gun so he can frame me at any time. The best part, if he sees me holding hands or kissing another guy he will have us both shot. I swear he is legitamitly psycho! And then he wonders why I don't want to go home to him. He is beyond dramatic! And every time I talk to him it is depressing. Just when I consider on making it work he brings some bull shit to the table and it just makes me want to be further from him. I just want this over with already. 

Absolutely Frustrating!

This is ridiculous! Yesterday he says ok if you don't want me then tell me you are letting me go. I said ok you are free. We text and talked a couple times. He was calm and stated if I need anything to let him know. He also said if I am going to do custody or child support to discuss it with him and we can come to an agreement - whoa, that is unexpected but cool. It will make things a lot easier. Then today when I talked to him I told him I have things to do. But when I don't answer his calls or text right away he gets mad! As if I have all the time in the world to just bullshit with him. I have two kids to take care of and things to get done, damn it. The problem is once he is on the phone I can't get him off. I will tell him 5+ times that I have to go for what ever reason and he will be like "ok . . but" and then start a new conversation. What he promises will be a 5 minute conversation ends up a 2 hour discussion. Ugh, So Freakn' Frustrating!! Just when he calms down I think "ok maybe I over reacted, maybe I should go and try to work it out" but then when he gets like this and pissed off telling me he is going to call child services and the authorities on me then I remember why I don't want to go back to him. After fighting most of the day then you going to tell me you love me, lets get married. Are you out of your mind?! I don't need this drama. I rather stay with my family where me and my children can grow in a positive atmosphere.

A little too late

If anyone is out there reading my post then you know some what of what I have been through. You have heard me rant and rave about how verbally abusive my ex can be and how he can be mean one day and apologetic the next. And the routine keeps going. Yesterday morning I found my phone (that he pays for) no longer works. He calls me on my mom's phone to tell me that it is just one of his sorry's that is about to happen and how he is mad. Then in the evening he calls again but this time crying. Says he has talked to his "other" mom, an older woman who has become a mother figure in his life. She apparently made him realize what he has done and what he has said to us through out our relationship was not good. So now he is apologizing profusely and crying. He finally apologizes for every hurting the girls or my feelings. He is magically willing to go through counseling if I will only go back and start over. Unfortunately for him it is a little too late. I know longer want to go back and try AGAIN to make it work. I tried it for a year. A year he had a chance to see his ways and fix them. It took for me and the girls to leave and not go home for him to see what he has done to us. And now he wants us back just like that. I'm sorry but I can not. I do not want to try again just to get frustrated and cry again. I have no more tears for this relationship. I just want it to be over. I wants us to be civil and peaceful. And I do want him to have a relationship with his daughter with out us being a couple. I just want to move on.

Please let go :-(

The other morning I get a call from "him". Just waking up I answer in a good mood but his second sentence was already accusing me again of cheating on him - again! So I hung up and ignored him. I am so tired and over this. Then today I had to swear on my family and the bible before he would believe me. But I gave him a hard time about it. I honestly don't think I should have to swear on so much if I'm not asking for forgiveness. Even though I didn't do anything I am so over begging and pleading and defending myself or for myself that I don't care what he thinks anymore. But now of course he wants me to go back. But why? It will never be the same. Weather he believes me or not he will be more controlling and on my ass so much more. When ever he wasn't watching me before he will be now! He asked me on scale from 1-20 how much do I love him. I responded to the best I could, a 10. Why? because I love him as the father of my child but I no longer am "in love". But he just don't get it. And it all has to do with his attitude but more with him being so disrespectful to me, the kids, and everybody and anybody! I think it is past the point of fixing and I don't know if I can go back and do it again. Why can't he just let me go??

Now what?

So apparently he still thinks I cheated yet he wants me back. He says we need to be a family yet if I ask him to change he refuses to give me a strait answer and says we both have to change. Ya ok but does that mean you are going to change, especially when you have told me "that's me and I ain't changing for no one"? So I go back and then what, Everything goes back to normal? No thanks. You have to learn to be respectful, meaning quit talking shit. If you can't say anything nice then shut your damn mouth! I'm tired of hearing you calling the girls ugly and do not every call them a Bitch! If she gets 100 on her paper, tell her good job, not "you can do better". Especially can not say "your worst then your stupid father"!!!! I would say yes I'm going back but not if he ain't going to change. And unfortunately I don't think he will :-(

Here we go again!

WTF?!!! Oh my hell, he is definitely Psycho! So 3 days ago he cried and begged me to come back, hell he even asked me to merry him! I told him the only single way I would consider it is if we go to counselling. He flat out said NO. Ok fine then that is your answer. So then yesterday he text saying he is going on vacation to Miami and living it up. Ok, have fun :-) But then today . . . He text me trying to accuse me of cheating on him while we were living together with some "tall white man" I supposedly been talking to while he was working, "and we found your fat girl friend that her man is in jail" is what I get after he text me that he loves me this morning. Seriously? FIRST of all, I do not know any body in his town except those he has introduce me to, especially some "tall white guy" named (hold on, let me check the text) . . .  "Charley". SECOND, He knows where I go and when I go. His car that I drove has Satellite so I know he can check on me anytime. Plus, the house has a security system that alerts him via txt every time I come and go out of the house. He always knows where I am and who I am with so it would be idiotic of me to even try to cheat on him even IF I wanted. On top of it all he has told me that he has checked my phone records and email with out my permission!! THIRD, If I was cheating then wouldn't it make sense to go back when I was scheduled to and then leave him for this other person I am supposedly seeing?! And FOURTH, after dealing with him there is no way I want to even try to date or talk to any other men anytime soon or the near future. He is enough headache to last me months. So ladies and gents, this is one small piece of what I have to deal with and why I have feel out of love from him. He seriously needs help but I'm afraid he will never get it. I just hope one day he sees the light.
God Bless you and God help me - Seriously

I'm Sorry

So now I am starting to think, WTF did I just do? Ok maybe I should have gone back then try to leave the right way, by telling him face to face and walking out. However, then I remember . . Oh I tried that several times and it did not work. So now what. I am really stuck on dumb. I know it was fucked up the way I left and wish I could have done it differently, but then again as the past shows it is the only way I was able to leave, with my children. I am truly sorry.

Should I or Should I Not Go?

So in texting my now ex back and fourth he is understandably mad. I get it and I do not blame him but as I said before, this is my only way out. I have tried to leave for the last year but with out success. So now he says he will be leaving to South America come next week and if I want anything in the house I have to bring my little one and go get it otherwise he is getting rid of it ALL. What sucks is I have personal papers and irreplaceable pictures but if I take her then I run the risk of either he not letting us go again or taking her from me so I can not see her again. The difference between us is that I do want her to have a relationship with her father, but with out me having to be with him. However, with everything he has said I do not know if that will happen. At least not anytime soon. I'm just so emotionally drained, I do not think it is a healthy relationship for someone to always have to defend themselves, their children, their family, or where they come from from the person they love - on a daily basis. I especially do not think a child should live their life being told they are ugly and a dumbass on a daily basis. Maybe if he would have let me leave my older one with my family as I wanted then I would have went back to him but instead he forbid me to leave her so therefor we all stayed. Yes it is going to be a rough ride ahead of us but one thing at a time and right now I have to decide if I can (afford) to go get my stuff and if it is worth the risk???

Dawn of the Wrath

So the time has come. Today is the day I am suppose to fly back home to the other side of the US but as I wake up and contemplate on what I am going back to I just can not do it. So as my kids sleep I call my now to be ex and tell him I did not catch the flight. I explain I would like to work something out, my no means am I trying to keep his daughter away but as my stomach rumbles of stress and anxiety he tell me " it is the worst mistake you can make" by not taking his daughter back to him. He reminds me he has people who have watched and followed me so what now? Will he come and take her himself or leave his dogs to do the dirty work and leave her with out a mother? Now we face the wrath of "him". How far will this really go, I do not know but as a mother bear I have to protect my kids the best that I can. Both emotionally and physically.

Fight or Fly back to Misery

So I came back for a week to visit family. Oh how I miss my family. It has been over a year since I have been able to come back and last time was for only 3 days!!! Now I have more time and have been able to visit more friends and family. It has been nice. Except that my controlling boyfriend wont get off my ass! Now the question is am I going back? "But why" I keep asking myself. I have no family there. He has a sister and her family which we see periodically but with 2 kids of her own they have their own life to live. Thats no problem at all. What sucks is Him. Every time I bring up the fact that I want to find a job he makes excuses. Now he's excuse is because our 2 year old is not potty trained :-( I tried to explain that once she does get potty trained she still can not properly wipe her ass for another 1+ years! This is coming from a person who wont even help get her ready when he is pushing me out the door!! sigh. Then there is the fact that he bitches more then a female on her period. I'm at the point that I have to ask  him if i can spend even a dollar or take the girls to the park because as he likes to remind me, we barely have any money (just enough to pay bills . . . sometimes) and to travel even to free events takes gas - arghhhh. The worst part, he is mentally abusive and tries to use mind control and reverse psychology. I have told him starting a year ago that I am not happy. But does he listen? NO. He hears what he wants to and tries to make it into something it is not. As if he is trying to read in between the lines that are not there. I told him point blank I am not happy because he has became SO disrespectful not only to me but my oldest daughter (from a previous relationship, I have two of which the younger one is his). I am tired of him calling them both ugly "its better if they hear it from me then people on the street" - idiot! He wont let me sign my oldest for sports and every time I mention I want to go back to church he says he will take the younger one to Johavah Witness (because he knows I love celebrating holidays and they do not). Probably what did it was the day I was getting ready to fly to see my family, he bitched that I can not be going to see them every year. It is to expensive, yet it is my family who is paying for the trip just to see the kids, not him! Sad! But the worst part is the fact that he calls the older one dumbass and worst "you're no better then your stupid father" which hurts me just listening to him. I do not believe this is a way a child should be raised and it is my fault she is in this position so now it is my responsibility to get her out!! And although I tell him not to be so mean he refuses to listen to me and we end up arguing - all the time. It is so bad it has became almost on a daily basis. Then he tries to say "well this is how you meet me" but in fact it is not. When I meet him he was respectful and nice but he slowly changed. Oh the great part, he tries to turn it around and calls me the "boss" because I make the decisions which is the whats for dinner or the few decisions he does not want to make. What hurts is that some people warned me but I ignored them along with my instincts and the signs. I fell for his attention and his charm and the fact that he wanted a family as much as I did. Now unfortunately my children will have to pay for my stupidity unless I can get us out before it is too late, if it ain't already. I have tried to leave for a year but he continuously tells me how I can only go if I leave my youngest one with him. Sometimes he says I can see her, other times he says I will never see her. Sometimes he reminds me that he can just hop on a private boat and take her to South America where I will never be able to find her!! And he has bragged about how he can get rid of people by making it look like an accident. So far his scare tactics has worked but I am feed up. I am SO emotionally drained I am reluctant to go back. I have 2 days to figure it out and I am still not sure what to do. If I stay with my family then I know I will be in a fight of my life for my child. But I am a mother and now is the time to be a mother bear to protect my children. 
It is now or never. Fight or fly back to misery.