Here we go again!

He calls me this morning at 8 AM. Can I ever sleep in? And again he accuses me of seeing someone else. This time it is someone who is coming from another state all the way to see me! So he tells me he is going to have this guy shot and if I am not seeing or expecting anyone then I shouldn't worry about it. Ok. But then he tells me if he ever wants to put me behind bars it would be easy because he has put my finger prints on a gun so he can frame me at any time. The best part, if he sees me holding hands or kissing another guy he will have us both shot. I swear he is legitamitly psycho! And then he wonders why I don't want to go home to him. He is beyond dramatic! And every time I talk to him it is depressing. Just when I consider on making it work he brings some bull shit to the table and it just makes me want to be further from him. I just want this over with already. 

Absolutely Frustrating!

This is ridiculous! Yesterday he says ok if you don't want me then tell me you are letting me go. I said ok you are free. We text and talked a couple times. He was calm and stated if I need anything to let him know. He also said if I am going to do custody or child support to discuss it with him and we can come to an agreement - whoa, that is unexpected but cool. It will make things a lot easier. Then today when I talked to him I told him I have things to do. But when I don't answer his calls or text right away he gets mad! As if I have all the time in the world to just bullshit with him. I have two kids to take care of and things to get done, damn it. The problem is once he is on the phone I can't get him off. I will tell him 5+ times that I have to go for what ever reason and he will be like "ok . . but" and then start a new conversation. What he promises will be a 5 minute conversation ends up a 2 hour discussion. Ugh, So Freakn' Frustrating!! Just when he calms down I think "ok maybe I over reacted, maybe I should go and try to work it out" but then when he gets like this and pissed off telling me he is going to call child services and the authorities on me then I remember why I don't want to go back to him. After fighting most of the day then you going to tell me you love me, lets get married. Are you out of your mind?! I don't need this drama. I rather stay with my family where me and my children can grow in a positive atmosphere.

A little too late

If anyone is out there reading my post then you know some what of what I have been through. You have heard me rant and rave about how verbally abusive my ex can be and how he can be mean one day and apologetic the next. And the routine keeps going. Yesterday morning I found my phone (that he pays for) no longer works. He calls me on my mom's phone to tell me that it is just one of his sorry's that is about to happen and how he is mad. Then in the evening he calls again but this time crying. Says he has talked to his "other" mom, an older woman who has become a mother figure in his life. She apparently made him realize what he has done and what he has said to us through out our relationship was not good. So now he is apologizing profusely and crying. He finally apologizes for every hurting the girls or my feelings. He is magically willing to go through counseling if I will only go back and start over. Unfortunately for him it is a little too late. I know longer want to go back and try AGAIN to make it work. I tried it for a year. A year he had a chance to see his ways and fix them. It took for me and the girls to leave and not go home for him to see what he has done to us. And now he wants us back just like that. I'm sorry but I can not. I do not want to try again just to get frustrated and cry again. I have no more tears for this relationship. I just want it to be over. I wants us to be civil and peaceful. And I do want him to have a relationship with his daughter with out us being a couple. I just want to move on.

Please let go :-(

The other morning I get a call from "him". Just waking up I answer in a good mood but his second sentence was already accusing me again of cheating on him - again! So I hung up and ignored him. I am so tired and over this. Then today I had to swear on my family and the bible before he would believe me. But I gave him a hard time about it. I honestly don't think I should have to swear on so much if I'm not asking for forgiveness. Even though I didn't do anything I am so over begging and pleading and defending myself or for myself that I don't care what he thinks anymore. But now of course he wants me to go back. But why? It will never be the same. Weather he believes me or not he will be more controlling and on my ass so much more. When ever he wasn't watching me before he will be now! He asked me on scale from 1-20 how much do I love him. I responded to the best I could, a 10. Why? because I love him as the father of my child but I no longer am "in love". But he just don't get it. And it all has to do with his attitude but more with him being so disrespectful to me, the kids, and everybody and anybody! I think it is past the point of fixing and I don't know if I can go back and do it again. Why can't he just let me go??

Now what?

So apparently he still thinks I cheated yet he wants me back. He says we need to be a family yet if I ask him to change he refuses to give me a strait answer and says we both have to change. Ya ok but does that mean you are going to change, especially when you have told me "that's me and I ain't changing for no one"? So I go back and then what, Everything goes back to normal? No thanks. You have to learn to be respectful, meaning quit talking shit. If you can't say anything nice then shut your damn mouth! I'm tired of hearing you calling the girls ugly and do not every call them a Bitch! If she gets 100 on her paper, tell her good job, not "you can do better". Especially can not say "your worst then your stupid father"!!!! I would say yes I'm going back but not if he ain't going to change. And unfortunately I don't think he will :-(

Here we go again!

WTF?!!! Oh my hell, he is definitely Psycho! So 3 days ago he cried and begged me to come back, hell he even asked me to merry him! I told him the only single way I would consider it is if we go to counselling. He flat out said NO. Ok fine then that is your answer. So then yesterday he text saying he is going on vacation to Miami and living it up. Ok, have fun :-) But then today . . . He text me trying to accuse me of cheating on him while we were living together with some "tall white man" I supposedly been talking to while he was working, "and we found your fat girl friend that her man is in jail" is what I get after he text me that he loves me this morning. Seriously? FIRST of all, I do not know any body in his town except those he has introduce me to, especially some "tall white guy" named (hold on, let me check the text) . . .  "Charley". SECOND, He knows where I go and when I go. His car that I drove has Satellite so I know he can check on me anytime. Plus, the house has a security system that alerts him via txt every time I come and go out of the house. He always knows where I am and who I am with so it would be idiotic of me to even try to cheat on him even IF I wanted. On top of it all he has told me that he has checked my phone records and email with out my permission!! THIRD, If I was cheating then wouldn't it make sense to go back when I was scheduled to and then leave him for this other person I am supposedly seeing?! And FOURTH, after dealing with him there is no way I want to even try to date or talk to any other men anytime soon or the near future. He is enough headache to last me months. So ladies and gents, this is one small piece of what I have to deal with and why I have feel out of love from him. He seriously needs help but I'm afraid he will never get it. I just hope one day he sees the light.
God Bless you and God help me - Seriously

I'm Sorry

So now I am starting to think, WTF did I just do? Ok maybe I should have gone back then try to leave the right way, by telling him face to face and walking out. However, then I remember . . Oh I tried that several times and it did not work. So now what. I am really stuck on dumb. I know it was fucked up the way I left and wish I could have done it differently, but then again as the past shows it is the only way I was able to leave, with my children. I am truly sorry.

Should I or Should I Not Go?

So in texting my now ex back and fourth he is understandably mad. I get it and I do not blame him but as I said before, this is my only way out. I have tried to leave for the last year but with out success. So now he says he will be leaving to South America come next week and if I want anything in the house I have to bring my little one and go get it otherwise he is getting rid of it ALL. What sucks is I have personal papers and irreplaceable pictures but if I take her then I run the risk of either he not letting us go again or taking her from me so I can not see her again. The difference between us is that I do want her to have a relationship with her father, but with out me having to be with him. However, with everything he has said I do not know if that will happen. At least not anytime soon. I'm just so emotionally drained, I do not think it is a healthy relationship for someone to always have to defend themselves, their children, their family, or where they come from from the person they love - on a daily basis. I especially do not think a child should live their life being told they are ugly and a dumbass on a daily basis. Maybe if he would have let me leave my older one with my family as I wanted then I would have went back to him but instead he forbid me to leave her so therefor we all stayed. Yes it is going to be a rough ride ahead of us but one thing at a time and right now I have to decide if I can (afford) to go get my stuff and if it is worth the risk???

Dawn of the Wrath

So the time has come. Today is the day I am suppose to fly back home to the other side of the US but as I wake up and contemplate on what I am going back to I just can not do it. So as my kids sleep I call my now to be ex and tell him I did not catch the flight. I explain I would like to work something out, my no means am I trying to keep his daughter away but as my stomach rumbles of stress and anxiety he tell me " it is the worst mistake you can make" by not taking his daughter back to him. He reminds me he has people who have watched and followed me so what now? Will he come and take her himself or leave his dogs to do the dirty work and leave her with out a mother? Now we face the wrath of "him". How far will this really go, I do not know but as a mother bear I have to protect my kids the best that I can. Both emotionally and physically.